Hey everyone, my name is Shawna.

First off I want to apologize for the long story.
My husband and I are married for 3 years. He is 36 years old, active duty and I am 26.
When I first met him I totally fell for him. I thought he was the man of my dreams. I admired his way of thinking, his personality. I truely looked up to him.
We had a long distance relationship in the beginning. I saw him maybe once a month and usually stayed at his house. About 3 months into the relationship I got a wierd feeling everytime I was at his house. He just seemed to be to perfect, never showed any flaws, bad habits, everybody loved him.

One day while I was there and he was at work I started sneaking around in his house and found open letters from a lawyer. My curiosity was to strong so I took the letter out of the envelope and almost got a heart attack. I found his divorce papers and saw he has a child. I confronted him and he was very upset. He said he didnt know how to tell me. I forgave him, but told him to be honest to me or I would end the relationship.

Just a few weeks later I found out he had major financial problems. He just couldnt take responsibility of his bills and had a bad spending habit. I paid all his debt off and explained him a second time to be honest in the future or I would leave him.

No matter how bad the problems were we still seemed to have this strong bond between each other.

About six months into the relationship he proposed to me. I was totally happy, ignoring warnings from family and friends. After a year of dating we got married and he got orders to change his duty station.
I wasnt sure about leaving but he said it could be a new start for both of us.
Little did I know..

Shortly after arriving at our new duty station I realized my husband fell back into his old spending habit, bringing us into major financial problems. First he blew his whole paycheck every month, pretending he bought stuff for the army. Then he started spending mine.

I was doing shift work, so whenever I wasnt home to get the mail he was hiding bills etc.
When I found them he said he didnt know about them..
We had joined accounts, whenever we got paid he just took all the money out and bought stupid things. So I opened an account in my name, so I could pay the bills with my paycheck. I talked to his commanding officer, he signed my husband up with a financial counselor. My husband was mad with me for that and we argued alot. I fell into depression and tried to relieve my pain with not eating. I ended up with an eating disorder. We went to marriage counseling.

After 2 yrs of marriage I decided to take a break.
I moved to my parents and I wanted to file for a divorce.
Then my husband called and said he would deploy to Iraq. He said I was his soulmate and he wanted me to come back home. I felt bad for him, after all I still loved him, was worried something could happen to him while he is deployed.

I went back home before he left for Iraq, we decided to give our relationship another chance.
Right after my husband had left I found msg on his pc were he had talked to another girl. The msg log showed they actually met, she said she couldnt wait to see him again. I was shocked, he saw her right before I came back home. I asked him about her, he denied it. I sent him a copy of the msg log but he still says he doesnt know her. I even talked to her and she gave me detailed infos of what happened when she saw him.

I dont know why, but for some reason I just pushed it aside, hoping it was a one time thing.

My husband is deployed for almost 13 months now and he will be home in less than 2 months. Things are just getting worse.
I know he is talking to several girls, they send him letters and care packages.
He is telling them we are divorced. He is sighed up on online dating sites.
When he talks to me he is all happy, saying things like he cant wait to be back home with me etc.
I know this, cause I am regulary checking his emails. He doesnt know about it.

He told his parents we are divorced, cause they called me and asked what was going on with us.
For some reason he managed to make debt while he is in Iraq, because I am receiving his new bills/letters at our house.

I know he put a request in to change his duty station, much to my surprise. We never talked about it and actually planned to stay for good at our current duty station.
I know his new duty station is were these girls are he is talking to.

He doesnt call me anymore, he doesnt send any letters from Iraq, he forgot to call for xmas and my bday. (The first 2 months of his deployment he was calling almost every day, writing letters etc.)

If I wouldnt call him, send him letters and packages we would have no contact anymore.

I dont know how to handle him and this situation anymore. I am with my family at the moment, because I was suicidal and started to fall back into my old eating habits.
I tried to ask him several times what is going on but he denies everything, pretending everything is fine.

My brain knows it would be better if I would divorce him but my heart keeps telling me I still love him. I know it would be better to get out of this marriage, but I dont seem to have the strength.
Everytime I see him I feel like such a bad person because I never wanted this to happen. I always believe in the good things of a person and for some reason I still hope he will change.

I am so confused and so afraid to know he is coming home soon and I have to face him. I dont know what to do anymore and need some help.
Thank you!