Married 31 yrs. Recently found out my husband cheated for the first 12 yrs of our marriage. The way I found out is that he has herpes. I guess he always had it but he would tell me that friction from us having sex hampered him from having sex at times, and I believed him. So now he is a man deep in pain and grief. He is so filled with guilt he is a broken man. Now get this it was with LOTS of women not just a few. He was a musician, go figure. Here I was a virgin who married him all those yrs ago. a good wife and mother. Worked so hard. But, sexually I was a failure. I thought I knew him. He loves me soooo much and I believe him, but my question is what do I do. I can't go on through the day with all the images that run through my head. I have changed big time. He says that he is so sorry and he's worried about me because I a making myself sick - literally I am. I never drank in my entire life and I found a bottle of vodka in the house and I'm getting drunk almost every day. Even at work I can't seem to make it through the day without the ugly thoughts. He had sex with these women in our cars that we had through out this ordeal. You know something I never had sex in a car--I want to so bad. I want to be those other women. I want to go to a bar and find someone to have sex with. By the way I don't even know how to walk in a bar. It's destroying me even though I think I still love him. All I do is think of other men now. I know its hard to believe I never did before, but I didn't. Such a sheltered and inhibited person I was. He can't perform sexually at this time its been 2 months thats how bad his herepes is. You know he told me he discovered he had herepes after about 4yrs after our marriage when our daughter was born, but it did not stop him from still having more sex with all those women. I can picture the entire senario in my mind, him approaching a women, holding her hand and taking her out to our car and screwing her big time. I see the entire picture. Him feeling her up and finally having sex. Its killing me. He said he had sex with one women over 3/4 times over the yrs. in bed. What am I to do. He is begging me to forgive him, and I can't. Yet I want to stay with him. but I've told him it would never be the same. I am a different person. I'm frightened the way I've changed and I hate him for that. Of course I never smile or laugh anymore. Can I really go on with him for the rest of our lives, can't be with him or without him. Or do I just feel so sorry for him. I know he loves me NOW....But he could not have back then even though he says he did. I used to wait in bed for him to come to me, not that he never truly treated me bad, I feel I was always the good girl he came home to . I also feel he never even felt guilty back then, you know how some men would buy their wife's flowers or gifts to make their guilt better---well I never even had that. Right now when I am away from him at work - I can't go on - I haven't told anyone yet and never will. Am I wrong to think that if I cheat on him I WILL FEEL BETTER. He tells me I shouldn't. I even had to ask HOW DO YOU HAVE SEX IN A CAR...DO YOU SIT OR LAY DOWN...HE EXPLAINED YOU LAY DOWN..When I hit the age of 40 I was sexually a dynamo...wanted it everyday...even now at my age I still want it bad. He used to chuckle and say and until this day he says now that he's older and can't perform like he used to - but I am something else - I've come into my sexuality - something I never had before. It can't be all his fault - right? I hate myself so much, because there were signs back then, but I choose not to see them. I hate myself for staying with him. Every thought or memory I had is ruined. I won't wear my wedding ring, I don't want to see wedding pics of us, I don't want anything to remind me of back then. So here's my question, HOW DO I GO ON...sURE HE LOVES ME NOW,,I 've been a damn good wife, person, friend. He has nothing now. He screwed his brains out and was done. Now for the past many yrs he's content. Isn't that the way...He only wants me. He destroyed me. How can I go forward. Is there anyone who is going through this or had gone through this. Help me.