HI. I don't know where to begin, but I will just give the basics. Five years ago Icheated on my DH after a year of marriage. He forgave me, well at least he thought he did, and we had 2 children since. Recently I contacted that same man after 5 years over the internet just b/c I was curious to see how he was. After 3 months of talking to him on the phone my DH found out. We discussed divorce and he stayed away for 2 weeks. He came back, left and came back for the next 4 weeks. During that time, I stopped talking to that man and started talking to another man that I met at the gym. We started to have a realtionship over the internet as well as seeing each otehr here and there at our gym,. He is also married with kids. I swear this is a JErry Springer episode! I started talking to him and having feelings for him b/c my DH wasn't there at all and I thought our marriage was over and we were just waiting for someone to just get the ball rolling, It turns out that he left all those times so that he oculd have me followed and my phones tapped and my computer bugged. He found out about that and I confessed about everything that happened.
Now, he tells me he understands why I did what I did b/c he mentally checked out as a hubby long ago and understandood my need to be loved and have attention. I dno't think he wants a divorce b/c he misses me and the kids so much all the time he tells me. I want a divorce most of the time b/c how can he ever trust me again? It's impossible I think and I am afraid of the work that is needed to get him to trust me again. if ever. How can a man love me so much taht he is willing to try? I do love him but the way we were. NOt how we have been in the last year. OUr kids are almost 4 and 2.
Right now, I wish he was here and we were normal again. But then I think is that possible even with tons of couseling? My family would think I am nuts for going back to him b/c of all his "faults" and his friends would think he is nuts too. HIs family knows nothing of my cheating ways, except one sister. I am so lost right now I don't know what to do. I am a stay at home mom for 2 years now and I have to go back to work in Jan, put my kids in daycare, and get an apt. All these changes. Am I afraid of all that change at once? I read all these bad things that happen to kids of divorce and I am scared to do that to them. I am a child of divorce myself and maybe that's why I am a "cheater" . My dad was.
thanks for reading this far. ANy input would help.