I'm 28 and been separated for a few months from my wife of 3 years and who I've been with since we were 18. I left her earlier this year because I felt no self esteem around her, always getting belittled by her as her tolerance for my laziness wore thin at times.

Long story short, I simply could not see her as attractive any more and hadn't for a long time. After a while, I couldn't even perform with her sexually (and I have always been healthy and had a very strong sex drive). I may have acted too rashly by just leaving her, I feel now... I had wanted to leave her for so long and never said anything until I met someone else and suddenly grew the balls to tell her... not about the someone else, who was really just a flirting partner until two months after I had left my wife. Then this flirting partner became my girlfriend and she was completely amazing to me. Much more attractive and sexy than wife had ever been. The sex was by far better than wife ever could be, but that's not all. I could be open with her in ways I never was with wife... it opened up a whole new world for me, since I had only ever known one relationship... I realized that I had never had passion with my wife, even when we were first together. My hunches that I had wasted my youth on the wrong woman were validated at last.

But clearly it was way too soon for me to fall in love and be in a new relationship. I missed wife tremendously... So then a few weeks ago I dumped the new girl (broke my heart and hers), called her, pleading to let me back and saying I'll do whatever it takes to make it work. I saw her the next day and wanted to just have an incredible passionate reunion. But I saw her and just wanted to hug her. I still could only kiss her like one would kiss a cute child, not a lover. It's amazing to me now that I was ever able to have sex with her.... I guess when you're that young, you're horny enough to do anyone.

Now I've been back with wife on the weekends (I moved about 2 hours away) and in a lot of ways it's nice to be back home. That is still my home, but it is also awful now. It's so hopeless. I have no desire to have sex with this woman... ever... and it makes me resent the whole world to think I could be stuck with that for the rest of my life, and I recognize the old pattern now that I resent her, feel sorry for myself, become selfish and just pretend like everything's okay on the outside. I feel like if we were 50 or 60, I'd say to myself, "okay, so I don't find her attractive. I don't want to touch her sexually. That's fine, we can live the rest of our lives like that." But we're in our 20's! Can we make it through without passion and without sex?!

I love her a lot. She is my family and my heart, and there's so many other things I love about being with her (her family, our home, our cat)... but there's something so fundamental missing.

and oh... I haven't even mentioned... we had been each other's only sexual partners up until the separation. Now I've had one more and she's had 4 more... yeah, 4. And it doesn't make her any more appealing knowing that.

I guess my situation is as unique as everyone else's, but if anyone can shed some light on what I should do here, I'm all ears. One friend of mine suggested whatever I do, take my time. Don't jump into divorce and don't jump back with her. that sounds like good advice when you look at it that way. I'm quite emotional these days and it's probably not a good state to be making critical life-changing decisions in. But at the same time, I feel like it's a hopeless marriage and the sooner I cut the umbilical, the sooner we can both get on with our lives.